Hey, everybody! How y’all doing? My name is Collin A. Bullock and I’ll admit, I am just tickled pink (and a few other colors, if you catch my drift) to be here today. So, sit down, and pour yourself a nice glass of lemonade and help yourself to some chicken. It’s from Popeye’s. You know, has Popeye’s ever gotten anyone’s order right? They always forget to give you biscuits, or they give you green beans when you SPECIFICALLY ask for corn on the cob. Hmm. I’m writing a letter to Reader’s Digest about this.
Wait, what’s that sound? Yeah, you’re right, it’s the motherfucking APOCALYPSE! It’s right around the corner, and if you don’t stop wasting all of our time and start getting ready, you will be left behind! Recently, throughout America’s God’s Earth, we’ve seen a rapid depleting of the bee resources! Bees are dying left and right and apparently not fucking enough to make new bees. I know what you’re thinking: “Collin, your dad’s right. You’re an idiot. Bees are obnoxious and ugly. Even the ones voiced by Jerry Seinfeld aren’t THAT cute.” YOU ARE WRONG AND SHUT UP! Bees are crucial to the process of living. In fact, here’s a quote from a Mr. Albert Einstein (maybe you’ve heard of him?): “If the bee population dropped rapidly, man would have only four years of life left. Also, Jesus.”So, quite clearly, no one is going to argue with Albert Einstein. I mean, there’s a reason that when someone does something stupid like spill their milk or get their cousin pregnant, we use the term “Nice work, Einstein!” with at least 85% sarcasm. The man invented the atom bomb, the iPad, and the concept of ice. If the man says that we’re all going to die because bees are no longer spunking on corn, I say we take his word for it!
So, where does that leave us as a species? Four years left to PARTY IT DOWN! We’re gonna party like its 1999, and by that I mean the GOOD 1999 where supermodels frolic and Prince plays sweet guitar licks. Not the bad 1999 where my sixteen-year-old self gets trashed on his parents’ wine coolers and ends up passed out in the cat’s litter-box.
So, with the apocalypse looming and partying needing to be done up (or down, whatever the cool kids say) please take the following as a simple guide to surviving the next morning when you’re hung over, and also demons are raping you. ENJOY!
COLLIN’S OFFICIAL GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE END OF TIMES
RULE 1: BONE UP ON RELIGION
When the end does come, I’m pretty sure that Jesus will be involved somehow. At least that’s what the dude who sits by the door on the bus and smells like cat pee says. I know a lot of people say he’s crazy, and he needs to leave the bus if he’s gonna keep masturbating, but he has a beard. I trust people with beards.
Now, I’m not exactly sure what Jesus is going to be doing when the end comes, but I’d bet that if you knew a little bit about his life and times then he would be more likely to help you out; possibly even give you a sword or something. So go and read the bible, or at least rent that Mel Gibson movie about it. I think it was called Lethal Weapon 3.
INTERESTING FACT: Modern science has recently proven the Southern Baptists to be the correct religion. Everyone else can give up.
RULE 2: BUY A LOT OF GUNS
While this rule might seem fairly self-explanatory, guns are actually EVEN MORE useful than you might think. In addition to picking off raving bands of cannibals or scaring your children into doing some light yard work, guns will also be useful in a post-apocalyptic scenario. If you want your neighbor’s stuff, threaten to murder him if he doesn’t give it to you. Or just actually murder him and save yourself a step. If you want to appoint yourself mayor of the small hunk of non-radiation poisoned land left, no one within shooting range will challenge you. So hold onto your magic-bullet-ejecting hunk of metal and it won’t do you wrong!
INTERESTING FACT: Black people are actually impervious to modern weaponry.
RULE 3: HAVE SEX WITH A LOT OF FAT WOMEN
Having sex with women in general is not going to be much of a problem in the awesome world of the post-apocalypse. We’re all biologically hard-wired to do it, and the future women are all going to be so tired from fighting off mutant armies that they won’t have the energy to say no. But an important fact to remember during the end times: Your anaconda should not want none unless she has buns, as well as other fat deposits throughout her body, hun.
First off, there’s pretty much only going to be fat women left, as all the skinny bitches are gonna get eaten REAL quick. Second off, while fat women are very good at hunting, gathering, bearing children, making brownies, having interesting conversation, and being life partners that you cherish throughout your life both in sickness and health, they can also be cut open and slept inside for warmth. And I know this suggestion might seem sick, disturbing, and profoundly misogynistic, but when the apocalypse happens all the feminists are probably gonna go start a lesbian coven in the woods of Germany, so you should be safe. So go to it, and good luck!
INTERESTING FACT: If your first thought upon hearing that last suggestion was “Just like what Han did for Luke on the ice planet Hoth!”, then you’re probably not gonna get laid even if you are the last person on earth. Congrats.
So there you have it, your complete guide to surviving after the bees, and consequently everything else in the entire world, dies off with a bang, a whimper, and a bowel movement. We here at (insert name of publication) hope that you have found this both educational and frightening. We would like to take this time to remind you that we hold absolutely no legal nor moral responsibilities if you do happen to use any of this advice.
So until next time, be sure to eat all your vegetables, tuck your shirt in, and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. And I’ll see you kiddies…ON THE FLIPSIDE!